 Pet Love
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Mar. 19th, 2008 @ 10:53 am 
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My favorite thing that my pets do is when Ned tries to initiate play with Greta by diving at her and raising his paw like he's going to swat her in the face. He never actually touches her, and she rarely runs away or even moves, so he ends up waving his paw ineffectually above her head ("I'm scary! Why do you not FEAR ME?") as she stonily stares at him with a haughty expression on her face: "God, you're embarrassing yourself." It's the hilariousest. I love pets.
I like this new meme where you ask me to write about things I never write about. Let's play it! Here's how it works: You ask me a question about something I never write about, and I write about it. Probably right here in this here entry. I'll be all edit-y and shit. Fun!
It's so gross here today. I want a Jamba Juice but do not want to go outside. Jamba delivery for me, yes please!
Thing I Never Write About #1: John Stamos
courtesy of girldetective
I think maybe I like John Stamos. He gets a lot of flak for being lame but when you think about it, he's actually pretty hot and has done a good job of retaining his attractiveness over time and not Kenny-Rogersing his poor face all to hell. It's just a damn shame he ever had to share screen time with the Grand Vizier of Choad, Dave Coulier. He probably could have been George Clooney if only he'd pimped his way onto the cast of ER instead of Full House. Only, he now is actually on ER, isn't he? Weird. John Stamos is my third favorite Full House cast member, after The Beach Boys and Comet, the Tanner family golden retriever.
Thing I Never Write About #2: Global IT Trends
courtesy of hdsqrl
See, the thing about global IT trends is, they, um, the- um, uh. Er? Hi! I like to eat rice pudding! I think it's one of the best desserts ever! Um! And that's kind of like global IT trends!
Thing I Never Write About #3: Fear
courtesy of joshacid
I HAVE NO FEAR! YOU SHOULD FEAR ME! DIDN'T YOU SEE MY PHOTO YESTERDAY?! Okay, actually, I fear riding in airplanes completely. I do it, but oh man do I ever not like it. I adore the idea of travelling all over the globe but honestly I am such a headcase about it. Even though I know logically that I'm being irrational. They need to invent some kind of program for people who fear flying where they dose you with the exact right amount of horse tranquilizer and just shove you in cargo hold for the entire flight. Hmmm. I should propose this maybe. I bet flights would be cheaper. Also, I fear death in all its forms. I am totally afraid of murderers breaking in to my apartment. I think about this like every single night before I go to sleep. It's weird. I wish it would stop.
Thing I Never Write About #4: The socio-political effects of the failing American economy, or sexual fetishes.
courtesy of dabneyd
Socio-political who which, now? Is that anything like IT? I guess there's a reason I never write about this stuff - I don't know fuck-all about it. I will say, though, on a sort of semi-related note, I've been thinking lately how it would be nice to hire a cleaning person to come around and help with my apartment sometimes (okay, who are we kidding - just to mop the floors. I loathe mopping utterly and cannot ever make myself do it. I don't know that I even own a working mop), but I know I would feel guilty doing that unless I could find a cleaning person who is my exact age, gender, ethnicity, and social class, and who for whatever reason just digs cleaning. Because that is the only way I would not feel a big ugly heap of guilt about subjugating someone of a different race/gender/age/etc. I suppose for some people, that would be a sexual fetish, so it would be no problem.
Thing I Never Write About #5: Farting
courtesy of sticknsnitches
Nikki has known me for, effectively, my whole entire life, so she knows how uncomfortable I am with this topic, which is of course exactly why she chose it. Nikki is kind of a whore. I know you shouldn't say stuff like that about your friends, but it's a true fact, and now it's out there and irretractable. She is a total whore. She has sex with people for money. I can't say for a fact that she didn't go to bed with Governor Spitzer. Anyway, I don't like farting, or fart jokes, or fart contests or even really the word "fart." I know I'm in the vast minority on this and I should stop being such a prude, and get over it already, but honestly, that is never ever going to happen. It just makes me uncomfortable. I hated in elementary school when a kid farted and no one knew who it was, because even though it was never me, I always knew that everyone THOUGHT it was me. And then at the rehearsal for my high school graduation ceremony, Greg Foster farted (loudly) over and over and everyone thought it was hilarious, except me because I was too busy trying not to totally barf or run away. I'm sorry. I know it's a dumb hangup and body shame is retarded no matter what form it takes but I can't help it. My brain is not wired to find it funny. I will say, though, that whenever I hear George Carlin say the phrase "pussy fart" (which is like, ALL THE TIME), that makes me giggle madly. I think it's his delivery. There is just no accounting for taste. This is definitely more than I have ever talked about farting; congratulations, Nikki.
Thing I Never Write About #6: My best church experience.
courtesy of gleep_glop
I won't take it back! He is Grand Vizier of Choad! It's an elected office! If he didn't want to be it, he shouldn't have put up all those campaign posters. Christ. So anyway, I bet you think I won't have an answer for this, since I am a dirty atheist, but hee-ha, you are way wrong. I have three memorable church experiences. The first was in high school. I attended sunrise service with my boyfriend Geoff and his family on Easter Sunday at the Yorktown Monument and it was very cold, and I felt happy about the universe and how pretty it was. The second was in "college" (aka, that time when everyone else was doing college and I was just, like, fucking off) - I went to a Catholic church service (I can't 100% swear that it was definitely Catholic, but I think so) with my boyfriend Josh, and he and Zach and some other random people had created this little tight community of young churchgoing singing people (this was before Zach lost Jesus), and there were some other people who were totally amped on God and really into the hymns and dancing all over the place, and Josh made fun of them, and I chastised him, feeling that if you are going to do church, you might as well let the spirit move you to act crazy. And then I made an admittedly terrible joke about ripping out all the pages of the Bible, and he got pretty pissed at me. And the third happened last summer. Zach and I went into Grace Church, the one I grew up across the street from, and no one else was in there, and we just sort of sat in the pews and looked around and the church looked so cute and so iconoclastic, like something out of Grovers Corners, and I thought it was really comforting that something so simplistically small-town beautiful could still exist.
Thing I Never Write About #7: What I Want To Do With My Life
courtesy of weaklingrecords
You forgot to ask about pies, AIDSWalk, and how much I hate George Bush!!! Here's what I want to do with my life: Help people. Become a Bikram yoga instructor. Write things in exchange for money. Open a donkey sanctuary. Live in Southern California. Live overseas. Learn to speak French. Model. Read every great book ever written. Speak to people about helping people. Take pictures. Help animals. Drink beer in Belgium, eat aloo gobi in Mumbai, and eat gelato in Italy. Memorize poems and say them aloud. Learn about color theory, feng shui, and interior design. Complete a New York Times Saturday crossword puzzle. Shake hands with George Clooney. Play every Indigo Girls song on guitar, along with Joni Mitchell, Dar Williams and what the hell Ani DiFranco too. Become an expert on nutrition for vegetarians. Be pretty. Make smoothies every day. Cultivate an amazing garden of exotic plants. Learn to surf. Keep everything clean and organized. Learn to do acrobatic silks. Work toward decreasing human use of oil. Make my own clothes. Start a non-profit. Paint and draw. Collect art and mid century modern furniture. Sing at my own show as a lead vocalist. Play Regina in The Little Foxes. See a really old printed work, like a Shakespeare folio. Live right on the beach. Get the Indigo Girls to play at our AIDSWalk benefit. Do something intensely physical, like climb a mountain or win a body building competition. Rescue retired racing greyhounds and spoil them rotten. Work to get rid of the plastic scourge in the Atlantic Ocean. Maintain relationships with the many amazing people I know. Rehabilitate baby raccoons. Learn stuff from everyone.
Thing I Never Write About #8: Hating the Dalai Lama, How To Retire From Reincarnated Position
courtesy of mightymalorkus
That guy! Don't even! It gets my ire up every time I even think about him!!! It's like, always with the saying he's God's gift to women, "literally." You know what, if I were the Dalai Lama, I could probably get Lindsay Lohan to sleep with me, too, but I wouldn't feel the constant need to brag about it to everyone I meet. I'd have a little, you know, humility. Fuck. As far as retiring -- I wish he WOULD retire. I think all you basically have to do is sign some forms and turn in your ID badge to God or someone.
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I would like you to write about John Stamos.
![[User Picture Icon]](http://p-userpic.livejournal.com/72708776/3953597) |
| From: | ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) hdsqrl |
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| Date: |
March 19th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC) |
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Spurred on by a phone survey a friend received today: Global IT trends. If you can write in a pissed off Indian accent, you get bonus points, as apparently "Joe" was upset that my friend didn't keep up with said trends.
The novel by L. Ron Hubbard, or the movie with Mark-e-mark?
![[User Picture Icon]](http://p-userpic.livejournal.com/63874232/1152468) |
| From: | dabneyd |
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| Date: |
March 19th, 2008 06:05 pm (UTC) |
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The socio-political effects of the failing American economy, or sexual fetishes.
Take that back, Couliephobe.
And hey, write about your best church experience.
I would like you to write more about pets, Jamba Juice, or an obscure band called Indigo Girls (have you even heard of them?) ((they get mad if you call them "the" Indigo Girls)).
I keed. I keed.
What do you want to do with your life?
(I mean, other than ROCK!!!)
You never talk about your inexplicable hatred for the Dalai Lama. What's up with that? Also, I saw earlier this week that he might retire if the violence in Tibet doesn't stop. Please explain to me how one 'retires' from a reincarnated position.
Well, how much will you pay me to mop your floor? I am mostly your age, gender, ethnicity and social class after all. Except for the part where I'm poor as dirt, but I still THINK I'm upper middle class, damnit!
What have you learned in the day since you wrote this post?
That my friends like to make me talk about uncomfortable topics.
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