 Statistically Improbable Phrases: "Fancy Trashcans," "I Love Tila Tequila"
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Apr. 22nd, 2008 @ 07:17 am 
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Thank you for all the help yesterday, Livejournal Land. It turned out that all I had to do was write about my problem and it went away. It's also possible that I only repeatedly hum the Rocky theme (while inserting the syllables of my pets' names) when the Pope is within a 25 mile radius. Had you guys heard that he's been in New York City? Had any, I don't know, news outlets covered it or anything? Is he gone yet? I have to think he is, since I'm not humming the song anymore.
Tonight is the season premiere of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. My roommate Ryan and I decided (kinda at the last minute) to have people over for a premiere party. So far, not one person has issued an acceptance. I think people are starting to quietly suspect that our love for the Til is not as ironical as we'd like them to believe. But you guys! This time she's for real. Oh, I love Tila Tequila. I love everything about her. I know, I shouldn't be revealing this fact about myself.
Last night I had a dream that my friend Pluta kept impersonating Roberto Benigni. Like, to a fault. To the point where people were starting to get annoyed. I don't know either.
My AIDSWalk team just reached $20,000. You guys! $20,000!! Squee! Have you donated yet? It's so easy. While we're on the subject, I received an email from my buddy Shawn Decker this morning - who has decided for reasons that I'll get into later never that Kenneth Cole is our nemesis - which said, in part: "I'm really afraid of Kenneth, though. He beat us by $3,000 or so last year. He wears tight jeans and presumably has sexual relations with his wife." I love my AIDSWalk team.
(My cat is biting a door. He's a goddamned genius.)
I have another problem I could use your help with. Last week I ordered myself two fancy trashcans. I am very excited about my new fancy trashcans, because I have never owned fancy trashcans before, and because I have been coveting a fancy trashcan since, like, moving here in 2003. All I've had are these regrettable white plastic trashcans and they are hateful and ugly. But now finally my dream is coming to pass. I believe I will even need to start calling them "receptacles," and possibly even capitalizing. Now, I have been obsessively checking the UPS "track package" link for my package of fancy trashcans - as you do - and it appears no one has seen nor heard from my trashcans since last Friday. Very early on Friday morning - at 1:28am, in fact - my fancy trashcans were known to be "in transit" to Secaucus. After that, they seem to have disappeared. There's no update. No one even knows if they ever arrived in Secaucus. No "arrival scan" at holding facility in Brooklyn. Certainly no "out for delivery." What happened to my fancy trashcans? What? Were they abandoned? Executed gangland-style? Did they get set upon by a rogue gang of not-quite-as-fancy trashcans? Did they decide to become actors and hop on a Port Authority bus? So many questions, and regrettably, no answers. I can't stand the not-knowing! I find UPS' lack of update suspicious and frankly heartrending. Oh, I know! Perhaps one of you can call up UPS and talk menacing to them so they'll expedite me a new set of fancy trashcans. No, it won't be the same, but it might help fix the hurt inside. My dismay is like an ocean. (Dismay Like An Ocean = new emo band. Watch. It'll happen.)
Somewhere within the last paragraph, my new fancy trashcans became like children to me. I think it's because I'm just that good of a writer. |
Whoah...Tell Pluta that his Roberto Benigni impression is accurate as hell.
His response: "Shacid, i sicuro vorrebbe visitare l'impero dichiara la costruzione!!!!"
Ahhaha, good one, Roberto Benigni.
(fuck off, roberto benigni.)
One time in High School, I had just broken up with a girlfriend and went to a party on an empty stomach, immediately poured a pint glass full of gin, and drank it like a shot. I ended up vomiting so hard not two or three hours later. And when I pulled my head out of the toilet, I saw that somehow the fancy ceramic trash can in the bathroom had broken in two.
Now, I don't know if it was broken before I came in, or if, somehow, my peristaltic force was so great that it sent shockwaves strong enough to shatter whiteware, but the fact remains: fancy trashcans are just going to break your heart somewhere along the line.
You will never be allowed within 25 feet of my new fancy trashcans, so don't even ask.
(looks up a conversion table on the internet. uses math.)
...shit.
i sicuro vorrebbe visitare l'impero dichiara la costruzione!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wait... why do YOU want to visit the Empire State Building?
Um, I'm pretty sure I said, "The sure one would want to visit the empire declares the construction."
You're so fucking ignorant sometimes.
![[User Picture Icon]](http://p-userpic.livejournal.com/65484009/285673) |
| From: | ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) turandot |
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April 22nd, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC) |
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I... can't keep silent anymore
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Then it should have read "Di sicuro, vorrei visitare l'Empire State Building"
We Italian aren't in the habit of changing foreign proper names in Italian unless necessary (this is why BabelFish is worthless as a translating device). We're lazy people like that. =P
"Ma invece dovro` consolarmi con una visita allo Space Needle quest'Estate"
("But instead I'll have to console myself with a visit to the Space Needle this Summer")
P.S. - I went through a very big period hating Roberto Benigni with the hatred you should only reserve for war criminals (I feel bad about it, but there you go). He sucks at English to a point that is embarrassing, and he doesn't speak that well in Italian either. :(
![[User Picture Icon]](http://p-userpic.livejournal.com/34756205/511546) |
| From: | angelalala |
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April 22nd, 2008 08:26 pm (UTC) |
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Re: I... can't keep silent anymore
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Thank you for the correction! Good to know how to say actual things. However, Babelfish is only worthless if you are interested in correct translations. If you are interested in hilariously wrong translations, it's priceless. I changed my initial statement from "I want a pony" because babelfish did too well with translating the sentiment.
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| From: | turandot |
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April 22nd, 2008 08:34 pm (UTC) |
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Re: I... can't keep silent anymore
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Hadn't thought of it that way. Then again, I'm a fan of precise language (notwithstanding most ramblings written at 2 AM under extreme sleep deprivation conditions, which is happening often lately). =P
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