During my more rowdy partying days, I used to roll with a bunch of complete drunkards (as opposed to the semi-drunkards I roll with nowadays), one of whom lived with his mother in a very large, very nice house, and his mother was kind of a drunk-ass too who didn't judge, so we used to always go over there to party. And I just a moment ago had this total recall situation of something I'd forgotten but which is very sweet, in a "sort of fucked up" kind of way. At the beginning of the night, when everyone was just arriving, the mom would accost everyone that came in and take our car keys, and then she'd put them all in a bowl and put the bowl in a locked cabinet. It got so she'd just shake the bowl at us and we'd drop the keys in, no discussion needed. I just remembered that, and I'm not even sure why. That was really sweet of her. What am I saying, it was responsible and she was the grown up. But she could have not done it. She could have been complicit in the insanity. Once during one of these bacchanals, the others convinced me I had shoved a Chinese food delivery guy and then blacked it out. It turned out there had been no delivery guy, and we were just eating leftovers. I was not buying the shoving thing anyway since I do not tend to be a mean drunk. Loud and stupid, laws yes, but not mean. Also I think one time a guy tried to use a closet as a bathroom and then just fell asleep in there. It's all kind of hazy, but I remember there was homemade Kahlua, and that was pretty good. I'm not sure if I was there the time that this one guy rolled a frozen ham up the driveway, or if I just heard about it so often that it feels like I was there.
There was this other time that I was on a cruise ship with that woman's sister, and the sister's husband was sort of stodgy (aka, "a responsible drinker"), and the rest of us were on our way to getting pretty housed, and the husband went to bed, but not before telling his wife, "Just don't show your ass tonight." I'm pretty sure he meant it metaphorically but she chose to take it literally and said "Guess I better get this over with then" and immediately unzipped her pants and mooned everyone. This happened on a public cruise ship. There were grandmas around. Perhaps your grandma was around. I hope your grandma found it as funny as the rest of us did. Then we probably went and drank about 13 more daiquiris. I miss those people, they are so fun.
Ten years ago, this was. Ten years. It is impossible!