I saw a t-shirt this morning that said "Hyperbole is the best thing ever," and I feel that every person in my social demographic needs one. We wouldn't even need to wear them, we just need to hang them somewhere AS A REMINDER TO STOP IT. Of course, we can't stop it, because even my saying that every person in my demographic needs this shirt is itself hyperbole. Oh, the irony. Another thing we need to stop with: irony. I think we are irritating all the other age groups.
I have noticed that there is a certain equation about doofy comedies and how beloved they become, something about amount of hype surrounding a film + amount of letdown the film is in reality / satisfaction inherent in using catchphrases from the film to ameliorate the letdown of the film reality, to the power of Will Ferrell. I will give you a current example: "Totes McGoats." I keep seeing it pop up, mostly on Facebook, and I think people innately feel that parrotting this around makes I Love You, Man seem not to suck as much as it did. So I am beginning to wonder if ten more viewings and absorption of its various catchphrases would elevate it to Office Space or Napoleon Dynamite status.
You can't even quote Office Space anymore, unless you pick something completely unrelated to anything, like, like um, "Hey can I borrow a pad of Post-Its" which as far as I know isn't even in the movie but that is how over-quoted that movie is. Go on, try to think of a line from it that isn't a soundbyte. You can't. Because it all totally is. Okay, get this... it's a jump... to conclusions mat. I don't know that repeated viewings and quotings would definitely work to endear I Love You, Man to us all, because there is just no denying that "Slappa-the-bass" is not in the same stratosphere, comedically speaking, as "I'm gonna have to go ahead and sort of ah, disagree with you there," but there might actually be something in the masturbation station thing or perhaps the Lou Ferrigno subplot. More thinking about this is required. No, wait, less. Less thinking about this is required.
TRYING TOO HARD TO GET THE POST TO WRITE A CLEVER HEADLINE ABOUT ME AND MY TRAGIC RAMPAGE
You know how children do that thing where they sort of stumble around the universe without any thought about whether someone else, someone older and therefore more important, may want to occupy a particular space? How, basically, they never watch where they're going because they don't realize they might run into something because they haven't really been around long enough to have life experience or perspective or any concept of trial-and-error? How personal space is completely not even on their radar? Yeah, well, I really hate that shit.
Look, I know they aren't being entitled little wanksticks on purpose, but seriously. Get a grip, please. I know you're filled with joy because the world is new and exciting but you see I'm trying to get somewhere and when I have to break stride to avoid bodychecking your drunk ass, it makes me feel a little bit stompy. Attend, children of the universe: I know that running in one direction while looking another direction and yelling a nonsense vowel over and over seems important right now, but trust me, you've got college and taxes and bitching about the government to look forward to and you should probably quiet down and start cultivating a bunch of useless neuroses, like the rest of us.
I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS
I am currently working at a financial office, filled with the sorts of people who work at financial offices, and recently several of them were discussing a friendly wager about some sporting event, and one of them was all "I'll totally take that bet. But you have to give me 20-1 odds." The other conversation partners exploded in incredulity at this idea, and he explained, "What? That's not crazy. You pay me $20, I pay you $100." It worries me because even I know that is not what 20-1 odds means. I think he may need to go back to Financial School or whatever the hell. What do finance people do? I'm honestly curious. What are they doing over there bugging around with the graphs and charts and stuff? I suspect the answer is Not Anything Much. But they do wear ties to work so at least they sort of look impressive.
I'D RESOLVE TO STOP GUSHING ABOUT THE INDIGO GIRLS, BUT COME ON
Could we instate something called April Resolutions? This would be like New Year's Resolutions but without all the fraught hand-wringing about keeping resolutions, and what are your resolutions, and trying to remember who likes resolutions and who thinks resolutions are stupid and refuses to make them On Principle, and trying not to ask these latter people about resolutions because you don't want to hear for the grillionth time about Resolutions Being Stupid, and so on and so forth in a maddening and upsetting feedback loop.
April Resolutions would be way more chill because no one knows about them, so no one will hound you to make any and there will be absolutely no pressure to still be sticking with them when May gets here. It will be your secret if you do not adhere to your April Resolutions. No one will ever make you feel bad about April Resolutions, and if they try to, you can just claim you never heard about them and excuse yourself to go get more hummus.
I ask because I thought of my first April Resolution earlier and I'd like to make it official. Here it is: I resolve to stop telling people I'm going to pee. I had a sudden realization that I do this ALL OF THE TIME and I think it might be impolite. I'm not even sure where this habit started or why but I really think I need to get a handle on it. No one cares that I have to pee. People barely even care that I pee at all. I'm sure you are all glad, in a passive kind of way, that my body is creating and eliminating liquid waste effectively. I do not need to constantly rub your faces in it. SO TO SPEAK. GET IT. PLEASE NOTE THAT I ALSO WROTE "PASSIVE." GET IT.
I am not going to start using dumb euphemisms like "powder my nose," either. I'm simply going to stop announcing my elimination intentions to the world entirely. If anyone wants to know, I trust that they will ask, and at that point I'll have no problem being transparent about my plans for the bathroom. I think this minor adjustment will make me lots more fun at parties. If you have other suggestions for my improvement, by all means let me know what they are. Probably stuff like "stop eavesdropping on coworkers" and "stop hating children." I will work on these, but no promises.